During this most recent situation, there was a running theme in my spiritual life: receiving, then giving. After graduating college, I felt drawn to Carmelite spirituality, and the idea of allowing God to pour Himself into my heart and experiencing the depths of intimacy with Him. I was also actively serving the homeless, desiring to give of myself for their good. Through much prayer during those years, I held onto the notion of "you can't give what you don't have." I knew that in order to effectively love to others, it would be necessary to receive from Love Himself.
After this "third conversion" at the Easter Vigil in 2021, I began to receive profound insights through prayer, and felt compelled to share them with others, which I did with the third spiritual director and another friar.
The former then referred me to the local chapter of Lay Dominicans in Fall of 2021. I did not feel called to be a religious sister; in fact, the biggest thing about this new conversion was a renewed sense of gratitude for my state in life. So St. Catherine of Siena, one of our most well-known Lay Dominican saints, also began popping up here and there for me. Her fiery personality and intense holiness intimidated me at first, but I began to find certain parts of her story to be relatable to mine. I also continued to wrestle with questions and doubts, trying to make sense of the gap between the teachings of the Church and my own experience of suffering that seemed to contradict these truths. What I did not know was that God was using the gift of my intellect to continue healing deep-seated wounds. Typically He would heal my heart and emotions before it would reach my brain, but He was doing the opposite this time.
It was then that I realized that my love for the Truth, and sharing with others what I'd received from God was very much in line with the Order of Preacher's charism. For so long, I thought one had to be some kind of genius in order to be a Dominican; Doctor of the Church St. Thomas Aquinas, after all, is one of our most beloved saints and we are known for being highly intellectual. I resisted it for the longest time, until I finally--and joyfully--came to terms with it.
I was now obsessed with the Order.
I went to meeting after meeting with the local chapter...and the rest is history.
God's plan is full of surprises.
I never planned on the heartaches over the last eight years. I never planned on being disappointed time and time again, as I tried to grasp for what I desired so much. And even more, I didn't plan on being loved in such a way that healed my heart and relationship with God. I didn't plan on receiving, and being received into a powerful, spiritual family--one with a rich, 800-year history of bold men and women who preached the Gospel in so many ways and in a variety of states of life. I didn't expect to gain so many amazing fathers, brothers, and sisters. Nor pledging my life at age 27 to this family, for the next three years, and hopefully for the rest of my days, God-willing. I did not expect that the Liturgy of the Hours would become so ingrained in my habits, nor praying the Rosary daily. But sometimes the best gifts are the ones we don't foresee and don't even ask for.
Why join a lay branch of a religious order? Especially in my 20s, when I could be busy with so many other things? My Dominican vocation gives me a specific framework to live out my broader calling to "make disciples of all nations." Now my involvement at the parish, artwork, and even job, are upheld by a very rich spirituality and mindset, one that is grounded in truth. My daily prayer of the Liturgy of the Hours, Mass, and the Rosary not only unites me to God but to the rest of the Dominican family around the world praying the same everyday. But I think even deeper and more foundational is the fact that I gained an amazing family. I tried for so long to grasp for a love that I was convinced would make me happy. When that didn't happen, God gave me something even better: Himself, and countless family members both in Heaven and on earth...all of us united not only by Christ, but a very specific man from the 13th century whom He chose for His mission that continues 800 years later: St. Dominic. A church within the Church, as I've been calling it. When I attended two solemn professions of my Dominican brothers in the last year, I knew I found my home. The first time, I felt such joy in being in the midst of the Dominican family of laity, sisters, and friars. The second time around was not as emotional, but felt like the most normal thing in the world. And it continues to be this way every time I am with them. I never planned on any of this. And I wouldn't have it any other way.