In light of Parts I and II, perhaps Dante's view of human sexuality is something to consider: while it holds great significance, there are far weightier and more glorious things in the spiritual life. None of the high-ranking saints in the poem were honored for being spouses who stayed virgins till marriage, had a great sex life, followed rigid gender roles, and the like.
Rather, they were honored for their heroic exercise of virtues and gifts of the Holy Spirit throughout their lives: Wisdom. Justice. Self-Control. Faith. Hope. Unwavering love for God.
The great St. Augustine, too, believed that even sexual intercourse between husband and wife involved slight (venial) sin. This would be unthinkable in the age of "Theology of the Body" and famous Catholic chastity speakers.
Understandably, the Church has also had the issue of Puritanism or Jansenism denigrating the beauty of human sexuality. It would be wrong to say that marriage is worthless if it was always in risk of sin; that is the other extreme end of the spectrum. Marriage is meant to be a living sign of God's love, and the sexual act is a tangible sign of such love; already that is an immense dignity!
It is not sexual activity that is problematic, but our concupiscent, fallen nature. Giving to the poor is an inherently good action, but could easily become infected by a savior mentality. How is sex within marriage, an inherently good, natural, and pleasurable thing, completely immune from the selfishness of the human condition?
So what?
But what if I want to get married and have children?
That's a good thing! On a very basic, biological level, we are inclined to marriage. A person cannot be a good and holy celibate, if he or she does not have a healthy desire and capacity for marriage and family life, because one cannot shun their bodily reality. The unity of body and rational soul defines human personhood, and the sexual powers are an integral part of this.
Marriage is the base from which we all start; it is part of our earthly, bodily reality. How incredible that God chose to make of it an effective sign of His love to His people!
And still, it is one that is only temporary, and one that does not monopolize the worth of our existence. What does that say about marriage in the grand scheme of our life in Christ? And what does it say about the elephant-in-the-room of the unmarried, celibate life?
The Goodness of the Unmarried, Celibate State
The Church, too, has always taught of the objective--not subjective--superiority of the consecrated, celibate life...particularly religious life. This means that by itself, the dedication of one's entire person--body and soul to God--is a higher state than marriage. As a spiritual mentor of mine explains, a greater opportunity for holiness and intimacy with God is available to those who choose celibacy for the Kingdom.
To be clear, God does not invite everyone to this life. This is where the "best" vocation becomes subjective when it comes to the unique, individual person. Someone who is married could generously respond to the graces of matrimony and become the saint God calls him to be, but would not be able to fulfill the calling of a religious brother.
But by its nature, the offering of one's entire self--soul and body, including sexual powers--to God is logically a superior calling, because it is already living the relationship we will have in Heaven with Him, the relationship which human marriage foreshadows. This does not mean that living in such a state will be always "magical" (that would be like the false, idealistic thinking about marriage outlined above). But when a man or woman chooses this state of life, and wholeheartedly cooperates with the grace given by God to the best of their ability, of course their intimacy will be deeper with Him than the average person. After all, they are dedicating their entire selves not to an imperfect, faulty human (even though such is a God-ordained arrangement), but to the God of the universe Himself, directly and without mediation.
One might protest against a vocational hierarchy--we want to be considered equal to each other, especially as Americans. (For the record, I did not know this until college; I was always under the impression that all vocations were equal, even though I secretly believed marriage was better...how could someone live without love and die alone?!)
It's not about being "better" than other people in the Church, or being loved by God more. But we must acknowledge the reality of our states in the grand scheme. Who knows if God could be calling you to a deeper intimacy with Him, one that cannot be easily accessed in the married life?
Again, it is not that one cannot have a rich and authentic relationship with God as a spouse and parent; there are indeed countless saints in Heaven who were married and had children. After all, the greatest saints to ever live--Mary and Joseph--were married to each other and parents to God incarnate. And yet, according ancient Christian Tradition, they were a celibate couple...especially as Mary was consecrated to be God's alone, body and soul, by virtue of being a living tabernacle of the Son of God.
Once we simply honor the celibate, unmarried state--and not necessarily religious life, either--as equally, if not more, fulfilling than marriage when intentionally dedicated to God, then can marriage be properly honored. How many countless single Christians, who do not feel a call to priesthood or religious life would live with more joy and purpose if they reserved themselves body and soul to their Creator, and made an lifelong offering out of a seemingly "transitional" time of their lives? How many will stop believing the lie that their lives will never begin until they find a spouse? And how many--married or otherwise--will begin to believe that refraining from physical intimacy could actually be an expression of true love?
Solutions
It is difficult to strike the truth which lies between the extreme viewpoints of sexuality as evil, and that it is the greatest gift God could ever give to the human person. Both ends of the spectrum are lies.
Perhaps one can begin by noting that marriage and all that comes with it is indeed holy. And still, it is a transitory state. It is a shadow of that which is to come, which means it is not the highest good man can experience.
I propose a few perspective shifts to combat this idolatry:
1.) Be realistic about issues that can arise in a marriage when it comes to sex. Just because a couple abstains before marriage and decide to be faithful to the Church's teachings on being open to life, does not mean they will never struggle immensely in this area. Natural Family Planning is not birth control, and to think that one can automatically have a fairly easy life with frequent intimacy and satisfaction like those who practice contraception is naïve and idealistic. Of course, there will be couples who do not find this as a heavy cross to carry, and praise God for that! But for many who come into marriage with this expectation, the reality that hits has the potential to seriously destroy spouses' faith and intent to remain open to life.
The Church must be willing to face these difficult realities and be a community of support to couples in these situations, not simply brush them under the rug and pretend that these are not actual problems.
2.) Recognize that we are NOT entitled to marriage, sex, and children. We should not assume that it is God's will everyone gets married. Our faith does not even teach that there is that "ONE" that God created specifically for us, and that we are destined to be married to him or her from the beginning. That would violate free will; true love is a free choice. And as I wrote in Part II, the married are not exempt from the sacrifice of the flesh. It does not make sense that the consecrated and unmarried are called to self-control, but those who are married are never in danger of sinning with one another and that "anything goes."
3.) Uphold the dignity of, and encourage/support celibate vocations. This does not have to be priesthood or religious life, either. The beautiful thing about celibacy is that it is not limited to priests or religious sisters and brothers. Everyone is called to chastity--the virtue of acting according to the nature of our relationships with ourselves and others--and sometimes it means being a lay person, working in the world, yet intentionally set apart for the Lord in body and soul, for life. The Church allows the freedom to choose this unconventional, yet valid path! I personally know women who work secular jobs, provide for themselves, and serve in their faith communities, who have taken private vows of celibacy because they felt the call to be Christ's bride without necessarily being a sister.
This also means giving those who are single a place at the table and a voice in our Church. Too often we uphold those who are married--especially those with plenty of children--as epitome of holiness in our age. This was the sense that I got in popular Catholic culture when it came to big-time Catholic youth speakers. Of course, these are not bad things, but we must remember that holiness is lived out in a variety of ways. You can be a great saint as a chaste, unmarried person.
Because of our fallen nature, self-control does not come easy. Perhaps this is why the unmarried, celibate state--especially outside of priesthood or religious life--is often looked down upon in the Church, and met with skepticism. No doubt discipline is difficult, no matter the vocation. And those who choose the celibacy, whether through priesthood, consecrated, or permanent singleness must be properly formed, prepared, and educated to handle the unique demands that come with their call. Celibacy is not natural; it's supernatural. Much will be asked of the ones who choose to embrace this invitation. And still, these demands are not completely unavailable to those who are married, because the sacrament of marriage is not a mere state in which to fulfill biological urges.
Throughout the history of the Church, there have been rich and deep, platonic relationships between celibate men and women--Saints Clare and Francis, both in religious life; St. Catherine of Siena, a single lay woman and her priest, Raymond of Capua; Blesseds Jordan of Saxony and Diana D'Andalo, Dominican religious, to name a few--of whom, I would argue, surpass the intimacy of married couples, despite the obvious lack of earthly romance between them.
As Dante has demonstrated in the Divine Comedy, and as the Church has taught for millennia, romantic love is not the greatest love of all; and it's probably the "lesser" of loves, despite the intense experiences it brings. It is time we, as a Church, ground our formation in this reality, and support each other, especially when it comes to challenges in our respective vocations. Because once we rightfully see what marriage is--a beautiful piece of a whole, and not the whole itself--then can we better support our brothers and sisters who did not achieve the "American Catholic dream", and realize that sanctity comes in many different avenues.