Purity Culture: Ironic Idolatry of the Flesh in the Church
Within the last year, I began to put words to the anger that I felt toward the Church, after experiencing life-altering events. I realized I wasn't the only one who felt lied to about the subtle, but not-so-subtle implication that marriage was the height of the Christian life.
I reiterate, marriage and its joys are true, good, and beautiful. But it is not the highest good.
Many of us in the Church have no problem pointing out secular culture's idolatry of the flesh, manifesting in hookups and pre-marital sex, pornography, and so on. Yet do we not see that our view of sexuality, even in the right context, can be pornified and carnal?
It's in sending the message that:
People will automatically have an amazing sex life if they wait until their wedding night and never get divorced
Virginity is a true sign of holiness and guaranteed blessing
Couples should get married as soon as possible (I have spicy takes about this one, as this is scarily common among devout Christians)
That Natural Family Planning is just like actual birth control--it's not--and that abstaining to avoid pregnancy will be minimal (there are many tragic stories of Catholic couples falling away from the Faith when this reality hits)
Even those who desire celibacy for the Kingdom "will eventually meet the perfect guy/girl, and get married and live happily ever after"
This is not saying that obeying God's precepts will not reap obvious and tangible benefits. There are many faithful Catholics who are "following the rules" and are living happy, holy, and healthy marriages.
But what are we essentially telling ourselves? That married people are privileged to be completely exempt from the sacrifices of the celibate and unmarried state. That marriage is the height of the Christian life. Reformer Martin Luther essentially believed that sex was a human right, even to the point that if a spouse refused to fulfill the "marital debt", the other had a right to divorce and marry another. Is this Biblical? Do we not see how problematic this line of thinking is, and how this poisonous concept has trickled down through the centuries? When reality hits, the effects are disappointing at best and traumatizing at worst. This is most often visible in the Evangelical world: Think "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". The fallout of the Duggar family. How can we not see the problems with the elevating of earthly relationships to so high a pedestal?
Purity Culture is not virtue
This phenomena has been dubbed "Purity Culture", and has caused several Christians--particularly Evangelicals--to deconstruct and/or completely abandon their faith. In an attempt to fight the world's attack on marriage and the family, and to demonstrate a more fulfilling life, Christians have made an idol out of marriage. We have fought one extreme--sexual immorality--with another: marriage as true Heaven on earth. And it has harmed countless in the process.
This is not virtue. According to Aristotle, virtue and excellence lie between two extremes. We have taken a truth--that marriage and all that comes with it are good and holy--and blown it out of proportion. Now instead of being one of the many avenues to Heaven, it is THE way to Heaven and Heaven itself.
Ironically, this notion claims that "we're not like the world", when in reality, one's burning passions are merely redirected on one's spouse. Of course, sexual desire in and of itself is not wrong, and certainly not desire for one's husband or wife. The sacrament gives man and woman the opportunity to express their love in a tangible and very real way--and to even enjoy it!--but they are not exempt from the sacrifice of the flesh, when desires conflict with Divine and Natural Law. There are indeed circumstances in which couples are called to abstain out of love for one, or both spouses. And there are things in the bedroom that may be more objectifying rather than a true expression of life-giving love to the spouse.
We admire the martyrs, who willingly gave their lives for the sake of the Gospel, and hope to have the strength to die for the Faith if we were ever put in such a situation; why do we not believe that God could call us to sacrifice our flesh in our marriages?
These are difficult realities for which young, idealistic, Christian virgins are not prepared.
Perspective is Key
In Purgatorio and Paradiso of the Divine Comedy, it is known that Dante had been in love with Beatrice before she died. It was a classic, and also sweetly innocent love story--they had met as children. He was smitten from the moment he met her. Yet in all his longing for her throughout the poem, she as a saint in Paradise does not return the same, enamored feelings for him. In fact, she is often frustrated as he gets caught up in his emotions and her heavenly beauty. Her focus is always on God, and Dante must learn follow in suit. She loves him, but her love is purely about bringing Him to God, the true Source of Love, and not herself. Yes, marriage is a beautiful gift from God; our male and female bodies, and their ability to create life when united are truly a wonder, ordained from the very beginning. However, it certainly is not the greatest experience in life. Our sexuality is more than about our erotic tendencies toward the opposite sex; rather, it's about how we give and receive love in our uniqueness as male or female.
Let us ground the meaning of sexuality in reality: instead of giving romantic love the monopoly on relationships and the meaning of life, view it instead as a piece of a greater whole. The beauty of being human is that the value of our lives is not limited to our romantic relationships and reproductive abilities, as good as they are. Why should it be? It is already an honor that marital love is considered a foreshadowing of the truest, and eternally fulfilling relationship to come: union with God in Heaven. And still, it is just that: a foreshadowing. One that passes away.